Hey
Dad!
Well I feel to mainly
write one BIG email today since things I have already pondered on will address
many different parts for different people.
So first off, this
past week has not been an exactly fun week. I feel like I have been on a
freaking bullet train almost about to derail! I feel like it has been a bit of
a way too big roller coaster for me. Some really touching and meaningful
experiences as well as some worst feelings and times in my life. It actually
made me think of when I was home this past year and thinking wow I wish I could
just be back at that time because those emotions and challenges are nothing
compared to what I am handling and going through now.
To start off a
clarification the picture from last week, that was not Elder Chen. Elder Chen
helped to take the picture, and that was Elder Chiang with me in the picture. I
just had the picture because I thought you would think it funny of eating
McDonalds in Taiwan and eating none other than pancakes (kind of like England,
right?). I have a picture this week though of Elder Chen.
So to start off every
Tuesday we go and visit a very elderly man in the ward who is 80 years old. He
has to be the cutest, sweetest, old man I have ever met. He lives more up on
the mountain part here in the city at a senior citizen home. But he is way faithful
in coming to church each week (actually another member who drives a taxi picks
him up each Sunday). We sit with him while he eats his dinner and then
afterwards have a lesson with him. It is so cute because he is sitting at his
table with his food and 3 other old men (one of them is 96 and he is still
lively as ever and can tell that no worldly things really have any concern or
matter in his life). But even still he bows his head and says a little prayer
to bless his food. We are working right now to plan for him in May or June to
receive the Melchizedek Priesthood and then be able to go the temple to do his
endowment (he is too old to do baptisms for the dead). He wants to achieve this
goal himself. And we feel that it will bless his life more than ever for him to
be able to go to the temple.
After Tuesday though
it felt like things just broke down like none other. Pretty a lot of these
feelings I will share are still stirring around in my soul and I have been
praying and seeking for guidance and help. I just wish to have peace and
comfort in my life about myself and about what I am doing. Pretty much things
collapsed down as several lessons went on that I felt like the less actives
didn't progress at all even though I sincerely tried to listen, understand, and
testify of truth. Pretty much feeling like I am inadequate, in no way qualified
for this work, and that there are so many others more qualified and better
workers than me that can be here in 彰化. Like even with my Chinese I have been
feeling like it is so bad as I see other missionaries (even Sisters who are
just a move call ahead of me) whose Chinese is so much better (they use them to
translate things sometimes in FHE or other settings). I feel like I am trying
to put in my effort and really working hard each day to study Chinese and
practice things. So because of my character of perfectionism it pretty much has
been shooting me down. It has been such a heavy load to handle because I feel
like I should try and help more as well in the companionship, especially since
I am senior. But I am new to the area, don't really know everything, and what
makes it more difficult is the Elder Chen has already been here for 3 months,
already fluent in the language since he is native. I don't know.......I feel like
my worst enemy is myself. I tear myself down from the inside out. What I would
like to have happen most is confidence and faith in myself, in the Savior, and
simply in my little sphere or bubble of influence and capabilities for there to
be peace and calm.
Last Thursday though
(and I like how this day as well Mom was having a tough time but still
remembered about me) was a big day as we biked out to our only secondary area 芬園. We have an
investigator out there who makes cakes. No joke the bike ride was an hour or
more straight riding. And there isn't really much between there and here so not
much stopping or contacting. So just an hour straight of riding on a bike. But
definitely it is worth it to visit someone. We actually helped this
investigator in making some cake with him. It was really fun and I have never
seen a bigger whisk in my life. You know our KitchenAid thing we have and the
big wire wisk for it? This guy had an even bigger one. The wire wisk no joke
was bigger than my head! But so his cakes he make are really special and really
good (like just as good as the ice cream cake Marty and Allisa had for their
wedding). He makes everything from scratch. He has a bottom layer of cake and
then the middle isn't quite ice cream but is a very good creamy filling (that
needs to be kept in the freezer) and then another layer of cake on the top. It
is really cool to see the whole process of it all. But so afterwards we walked
with him for a bit and then shared the first lesson with him as well as gave him
a Book of Mormon. He still hasn't done our invites (as well as the wife might
oppose) but this Thursday we are going back out again to visit him (and yes I
got to eat some of the cake for free, maybe about 4 1x2 in. pieces since we
helped make cake with him). Then we had a 1 hour bike ride back. Over these
past few days it actually has been a bit cold and even raining kind of hard
some days. Not fun at all.
Then Sunday in church
I was sitting thinking about the phrase "forget yourself and go to
work". I was focusing on the 'forget yourself' part and had two ideas come
to mind. First is focused on worry and fear. Basically stop worrying about
yourself, family, home, etc. (things out of your control). Tomorrow will take
care of itself tomorrow. Turn your thoughts outwards. Guarantee someone close
around you has a much greater struggle or challenge in which you are needed to
help strengthen, encourage, uplift, and support that person. Second is focused
on glory and riches. If you aspire for riches and glory of men, you will be
frustrated, disappointed, and saddened. This isn't YOUR work, it is HIS work.
You are blessed and called to help in this building up of the kingdom in your
sphere of capabilities, limits, and talents. So it is not a competition between
missionaries, because we are all doing the same work, His work. We are all
components of a greater machine, and EVERY part is needed to allow this machine
to work. In humility, work your best at your sphere. If you are called to lead,
it is NOT because you are better, but because Heavenly Father trusts you and
needs your talents and will stretch your limits by furthering the building of
His kingdom through you.
As well I have been
reading the Liahona from January this year. I was reading an article by President
Eyring about "Preparing Gifts". There is a section I wish to share
with you:
"Then a young man
stood up near the back. He had said little during the term; I'm not sure he had
ever spoken before. He was older than the other students, and he was shy. He
asked if he could speak. He told in a quiet voice of having been a soldier in
Vietnam. One day, in what he thought would be a lull, he had left his rifle and
walked across his fortified compound to mail call. Just as he got a letter in
his hand, he heard a bugle blowing and shouts and mortar and rifle fire coming
ahead of the swarming enemy. He fought his way back to his rifle, using his
hands as weapons. With the men who survived, he drove the enemy out. Then he
sat down among the living, and some of the dead, and he opened his letter. It
was from his mother. She wrote that she'd had a spiritual experience that
assured her that he would live to come home if he were righteous. In my class,
the boy said quietly, "That letter was scripture to me. I kept it."
And he sat down."
Many times your
letters and emails to me are like scripture. There have definitely been a few
that shared and said exactly what was need in the precise moment. Truly the
Lord puts His hand into our lives and blesses us on both ends.
Love you as always
with all my heart (sorry for a more downer email this week, but I always feel
in being honest and open and expressing my thoughts and emotions so I that I
can better be helped and healed),
Elder Roo
