Sunday, November 2, 2014

Oct 15

Hey Dad,

In all honesty I do not know exactly what to talk about.

The temple was good. It was a very much more peaceful and good place to sit in.

The reason I don't really know what to say is because of how much confliction is within me. Dad, I have never felt so attacked in my life as I have been being out here. And the biggest part that gets attacked and has been attacked is my hope and confidence. I have desire and wish to be out here, I just feel things have clouded in my mind somewhat that I don't fully grasp or understand what or why it is I want to be out here. I desire and want it to be because of the love and kindness to invite others unto Christ and not because it is simply the right thing to do or what others have said to do. I've seen myself become unto so on edge and parts and scared into sometimes all the obedience I need to be as a missionary. I remember when I was growing up more throughout all my teenage years I didn't ever really break rules or do anything out of order or bad because I just didn't want to get on a bad side or upset you or mom or make ashamed. I will say that sometimes I feel like I don't really remember what it is I enjoy or like or in parts really what my 'interests' are because I feel like I have had to beat so many things out of me or have to 'bid babylon farewell' because that is just not what you do as a missionary. I have felt and seen so much how it has become harder and more awkward around girls because I have been working, drilling, and overworrying/overstressing/ overworking about the keeping clean thoughts and also not being ok or so forth to talk or flirt with girls. Something interesting and good Elder Williams told me was really seeing girls as your sister. I have heard this before. But until I really started saying more and telling myself quite literally that they are my sister and seeing them in that light.

I seek and read over my patriarchal blessings many times. I read over so many different things. I come to points where I am about to break and I in a sense release out a lot of energy with a new commitment that I am not going to make the same mistakes again, I am going to improve and transform, and move forward. But what I can't quite understand is how the hope that it speaks and talks of doesn't quite fully stick.

I have something about me and I want to believe and do what you say to move forward and the past is in the past and so on and so forth, I just can't seem to come to grasps with moving forward because I feel I am a hypocrite and liar to move forward because of my mistakes and letting down and failing. See even looking back at this last sentence I see how entrenched the adversary and followers have come to carve in my mind. AGHHHHHH!!!! When I came on a mission I did not ever think this would be the stuff I would have to struggle through, face, and bear.

I will take to heart and mind what you shared about the JW and what Mom said. I pray and ask that Heavenly Father will help me to be worthy and ready at that time or right now to let the Spirit testify through me.

Which makes me think now to how I still have one aspect and part about the Atonement that I still don't have grasp and understanding about, and that is the power to move forward right now. As well as still trying to understand the enabling power that it gives beyond my own. I still get into feelings and thoughts of everything has to be done perfectly now, that by not doing everything or obedient to everything makes to be not good. I know the truth. I just need to see it really with my eyes and discern from the errors and lies.

DAD I AM SORRY. I AM SO SO SO SO SORRY. One thing Elder Williams keeps telling me all the time is that he finds happiness and joy and making up to him in improving, moving forward, and doing better. WHY DO I MAKE IT SO HARD FOR MYSELF? Where is the balm in Gilead?

I am going to fast today to tomorrow. I am going to pray as unceasingly as possible. I am going to really try to truly repent. To serve right now, move forward as best as I can. I want the peace that the Atonement offers. I am sick of all the natural man selfishness and self-centeredness it has from wanting all these cool things to tell about my mission, or saying I did this or wanted this. I really want to have a full heart to only desire loving and serving those around me. Like you said the greatest sages rendering service and turning away before even seeing the results and having satisfaction in that.

Well, I do love you Dad. Sorry for my bad example and stubborness and slow to learn and actually do. Something I felt impressed from the temple was 'go and do, even as I have'

Love ya,
Elder Dayley